So Lonesome I Could Cry*Posted: January 14, 2013
I don’t know what it is with me lately, but I have just been feeling so unbelievably lonely. I mean, I have my husband, my kids, the gaggle of grandkids, but I feel like I don’t really have any friends.
I have all of you, but for the most part you all live in my computer, or at a minimum an hour and a half car ride away from me, or at most about a 24 hour car ride. You all are not close.
Although, much of the time I feel closer to some of you than my actual supposed friends who live in various places in my own city. It’s a little sad.
Not that I don’t appreciate and love all of you, I just wish you were here.
This sounds all kinds of pathetic.
Maybe I should quit being such a sarcastic asshole when I meet other mom’s of kids that are Mea’s age. Maybe then I could make some mom friends. I don’t know if that will happen or not. I am not very good at hiding how I feel about things. If you are an idiot, it usually shows on my face when I am speaking to you just how I feel.
I have tried to integrate myself into my sister’s group of friends, but it is also kind of weird, and I don’t feel very welcome by her group of friends. My sister has been a bit weird lately, and I don’t really want to go into that right now. She has a bit of a “I’m better than everyone” vibe going on right now, I don’t get it, but I also don’t like being around it either.
My own best friend, has distanced herself from me. I know why, but it doesn’t make it hurt or sting any less. She and her husband dealt with infertility, and after a tubal pregnancy, decided they were done. This happened when Mea was little. I think it’s been hard for her to see us with Mea when they have decided to be childless. We talked to them about adoption, but I don’t think her husband is a fan. He’s pretty happy with it just being the two of them. They have developed friendships with older couples whose kids are either grown, or who are also childless. I get it. I understand it. I just miss her. I have reached out and told her this, but it didn’t make things any better.
It is just sad.
It makes me sad.
*Originally by Hank Williams, but I prefer the Cowboy Junkies version better.