There are days…

Ever have those days where there is just a little something in the back of your head, and it just won’t shut up?  It’s like a bad itch.  Or one of those annoying coughs that is just a tickle at the back of your throat that won’t go away, that just makes you cough and cough and cough.

I have been struggling with something, and I just don’t quite know what to do, or if I should even do anything.  I had thought that I had written about it before, but after going through my previous posts, I haven’t.  Maybe I couldn’t quite form the words.  I still don’t know if I can completely, but I need to get this out of my head.

I have not set eyes on Mack’s bio-father since she was a year old.  Prior to that, it was when I was about five months pregnant with her.  I haven’t seen him since.  There were rumors, about him over the years.  Rumors about his whereabouts, something about moving to Texas, maybe something about him serving time in prison, maybe something about him killing someone.  I think I have a “friend” who started most of these rumors, she started rumors about other people we knew back then that have since proven to be total bullshit.  Then, I was too scared to find out if any of it was true or not.  To say that he was in a bad place when she was born is an understatement, messed up on drugs, having legal problems, bouncing from place to place.  It was a mess that I didn’t want to deal with, so I didn’t.  He didn’t care enough about me or her to try, so I left it alone.  At the time, I felt it was easier.  In many ways, it may have been.  I didn’t have any “baby daddy drama” to deal with, because it was just me.  He never told his family about her. 

He has never seen her.  Not once in her nineteen years.  The one time that I saw him when she was a year old, I did give him a photo of her, one of her one-year pictures, but that was it.  None of his family even knows of her existence.  It’s sad. 

She went through a bit of a phase around five, when she asked a lot of questions, and I answered the best I knew how, and in the simplest of ways,  at that time.  This was also around the time that some of the scarier rumors about him were shared with me.  I limited what I told her.  Eventually, she just let it go.  When my husband and I got together when she was seven, he became her Dad.  A few years later, after we had been married a year or so, we had her name changed legally to our last name, she had my maiden name prior to that.  There is no doubt as to who her Dad is.  My husband is her Dad.  That is it.

The thing that I can’t get out of my brain, that keeps wiggling its way in there, is that I now know where Mack’s bio-father is.  I know where he lives, I have seen photos of his other children.  He’s married.  He seems to have his life on track.  All this time has passed.  Mack has all this family that she doesn’t even know exists. 

I have thought about contacting him.  Then I think, why would I do this to my family.  It could potentially hurt my husband if I did this, it could potentially hurt Mack if I did.  I just don’t know what the “right” thing to do is.

The other thing that I keep thinking with all of this is that it’s not like I am hard to find.  My parents still live in the same house they always lived in, and it’s where I lived, too.  He hasn’t tried to find me or Mack, so maybe it’s just best left the way that it is.

Honestly, think I’ll just sit on it.  Knowing that I know may be enough for now.  She hasn’t asked in years and years about him, since around that time that she was five.  She has a Dad.  A great one.  One who is there for her in every single way, and loves her unconditionally.  She had a wonderful Grandma, who also loved her more than anything, she has aunts uncles and cousins.

I have an employee who has a baby with a non-existent father.  He hasn’t told his family.  She has written a letter to his parents that she is going to send along with some photos of her daughter, from her birth to now at almost two years old.  I am so proud of her.  She is making a huge leap of faith in starting this conversation with total strangers.  I wish that I had been brave enough to do the same thing when Mack was about that age.  If anything for her to have those additional grandparents to dote on her and love her.  They have missed out on a beautiful grandchild because of their son’s stupidity, and because I have always been too afraid.

I’m not usually one to be scared.  I am not usually one to just let things fester.  I also don’t want anything to hurt my husband or my daughter.


3 Comments on “There are days…”

  1. Monika says:

    Just a suggestion. I would talk with your husband about it. Tell him that although you respect him and don’t question his role as Mack’s father that you’ve been thinking lately about connecting with Mack’s bio dad for Mack’s sake. Though Mack hasn’t said anything about her bio dad in a long time, I’m thinking she’s probably at least a little curious about him (we all want to know about our biological roots even if we don’t want to have much to do with them). If you give your husband the choice to support you before you make the decision to contact Mack’s bio-dad, then that would prevent a lot of potential hurt there I would think. As far as hurting Mack, only she can decide if she wants contact or not. If you give her the ability (after clearance from your husband and at least opening the door with Mack’s bio-dad), then she can decide whether she wants to pursue a relationship of any kind or not (even if she’s not interested in much more than having them on FB or connecting with her half-bio-siblings). I don’t think that would hurt Mack either, since you would be giving her control over the relationship (assuming her bio-dad doesn’t hurt her if she opens the door further). This is a tough one…

  2. Jen says:

    I guess my first thought when I read this the other day (just now where I can post) is that he clearly hasn’t tried to find you or Mack. Sadly, he has chosen to miss this huge thing in his life. From a health background perspective, it might be nice for you to know some things for Mack, but otherwise she has a Dad who loves her. Maybe that’s enough? Would it hurt your husband if they were in touch? Does Mack even want to be in touch with him when he hasn’t tried to be in contact with her? What gain comes from being in contact?

    • Kelly says:

      I think that this is where I have been on it all along. It doesn’t do anything for anyone at this point, except cause unneeded turmoil. Maybe if she were still five, and before she got a “real Dad” it would be different. I think this is one of those things I just needed to get off my chest, and didn’t really have anyone with an unbiased opinion about the whole situation, to talk to about it. If he cared at all he would have been in contact. Mack is healthy, and unless something crazy health wise come up with her, I am just going to keep it to myself like I have been. My husband would be hurt, badly. I know he would, and I do not want that at all.

I like thoughtful comments!

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