Anxiety, Doubt and JoyPosted: July 17, 2012
I have been doing bad things to myself.
I am a worrier by nature. My Mom is one, my Nana was one, my Aunt was one, my sister is, and so am I. My poor children, hopefully, Mea has a chance to avoid this worrying, self-doubt and anxiety that comes with our biology.
I haven’t heard anything since I sent the letter. I have checked the PO Box like a lunatic, every day since last Wednesday. I did skip Saturday, so I went and checked it on Sunday, just in case. I may have to send a letter to myself, just so that I know that it works. (Yes, I could quite possibly be that neurotic right now, so shut up.)
Yesterday, after I checked the box, the worry and anxiety started setting in. I started fretting that the letter sent her into a tail spin. What if she relapsed because she received the letter? What if she got into legal trouble again? What if she doesn’t really live at that address and I sent the letter to some random stranger?
Then the rational side of me starts. How would I have reacted to a letter if I hadn’t seen or heard anything about my daughter who was a baby when I last saw her, and I suddenly see photos of her as she grew up to a six-year-old. Without me. Although, I know I would have been excited to have learned about her, I know that I would most likely shut down for a period of time. That is just me. I need time to process things. To think. To analyze. To put my thoughts together. To over think.
As much as I would like to know this woman who gave birth to our beautiful daughter, I don’t know her. I don’t know how she would react. I don’t know what would trigger her into past behaviors, or anything else. I know that I wrote that letter from my heart, I know that the photos I sent were selected with care. I hope that she has read the letter and seen the photos.
I know that I tried. That is the best I can do right now. Only time will tell, and we shall see.
Yesterday, I told you that our new grandson would be sharing my husband’s middle name. He is over the moon that he will have a namesake, even if it is only the middle name. The baby’s middle name will be Jay.
I suggested Roberto, as a first name, which our daughter declined.
Now, the thing that is a bit hilarious is this…
The same week that my husband was born, there was another baby girl born who was named the same first name as my husband. A uni-sex name, that of a red-breasted bird, not too common as a man’s name anymore. Tweet-tweet! When the nurses were typing up the birth certificates, they made a tiny little mistake, on both birth certificates.
They didn’t catch the error until his birth certificate arrived at home several weeks later. It turned out that they had flip flopped the middle names of these two babies named after red-breasted birds.
His name on the birth certificate?
When he’s being difficult at home, I call him this.
It is quite possible, that when I do this it makes him a wee little bit stabby.
But that’s the point of a middle name right?