I have been so consumed with myself and my own feelings, that I have been a horrible mother the last month, probably a pretty crappy wife too for that matter.  At least this morning, after waking and thinking about my rant yesterday, this is what it feels like.  Part of my melt down yesterday was due in part, to my horribleness.

I forgot about my kids.  I am losing my Mom, but they are losing their last remaining grandmother.  My heart broke wide open again with this realization yesterday.  When my Mom talked of buying them a special token from her, and crocheting baby blankets for non-existent great-grandchildren, it dawned on me that I had forgotten my kids.  My husband’s Mom died when Mack was twelve, and before Mea was even a thought.

Mea has been here, she has had her basic needs met, she is clean, she is fed, she has clean clothes on her body the majority of the time, but I have neglected her in many ways.  Took for granted that she is also suffering yet another, in a long line of losses.  She has been acting out the last week or so, and it didn’t even dawn on me why until this morning.

She is just more or less testing more than normal, pushing limits, seeing what she can and can’t get by with, but it is not normal for her.  She is normally very sweet, but right now the mouth on this girl is going to be the thing that gets her into the most trouble.  Sass, sass and more sass.

I emailed Mea’s teacher a little while ago.  We have parent/teacher conferences next week, but I felt she needed to know about this now.  I don’t want Mea to get special treatment, but they might need to be a little patient with her while she processes this.  God knows, that I haven’t been.

While I have been functioning with Mea at home, although, not really meeting her emotional needs, I have completely forgotten about my other daughter.  The oldest of them all.  The one who completely, entirely understands what is going on.  The one who lived with her Nana and Papa for the first three and a half years of her life, while I figured out how to make a way for ourselves in the world.

She has spent more time with them than all of the rest of the girls put together.

My Mom’s little Lamby.

The only one of us to come into this world with blue eyes like my Mom, and her Mom, my Nana, before her.

My Mack is hurting, and I haven’t really even talked to her.

I let her slip my mind.  Consumed with my own feelings, and hurt.  It’s not fair to make her struggle in this alone, she needs me.

She sent me a message on Saturday asking if she could come home for dinner tonight.  I told her, like I usually do, that she doesn’t need to ask me, she just needs to tell me when.  Asked if her boyfriend would be coming, and she said no, just her.  She wants to spend time with her sister, her Daddy and her Momma.

These girls of mine are hurting, and I don’t know how to fix it.

I can’t fix it.

That is part of my problem.


2 Comments on “Lamby”

  1. Becky says:

    I don’t know what to say. Just wanted you to know I’m here, reading, thinking about you all.

  2. Jen says:

    I think being together helps fix it. Hugs are good too. Or letting eyes leak when needed. Or letting each other just be. Forgive yourself for this one Kelly. I’m sure your Mack does need you but is old enough to get that this one is causing you to reel a bit.

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