Resume

This morning, I pulled up my antiquated resume.  I seriously think Mea could have written it.  It is over ten years old, so that could explain it.  I have several people who have offered to proof read my new one once I get the gumption to re-write it.

I am still really mad, and I don’t think this is the time to update things, since I am mostly furious.

As for now, this is what I’ve got.  Let me know if you would hire me.

Kelly Monkey Soup

Somewhere USA

Some Cell Phone Number

Some Email Address

Previous bank manager looking for employment.  Many skills, including: explaining overdrafts to customers, diffusing angry customers, teaching tellers to properly run transactions, without screwing up customer accounts.  Teaching tellers and bankers to be nice during every single customer interaction, including when customers poop on the bathroom floor, pee in the lobby chairs, (never sit in the chairs in ANY lobby or waiting room) and get angry and shove the branch manager.  Skills also include babysitting staff, counselor to grieving widows and widowers, expert at convincing them not to do anything rash with their finances after the death of their loved ones, catching fraudsters, calling the police on  criminals, and many other tasks.

Prior to working in banking, I managed jewelry stores for ten years, hustling customers into purchasing over-priced jewels, gems, and placing guilt on men who are not spending two months salary on engagement rings.  Privately, making fun of customers who insist upon buying heart shaped anything, in particular heart shaped stones, especially diamonds.  Inspiring dreams of young ladies searching for the perfect ring from their perfect guy, then convincing that guy that their girlfriend is wife material.  Giving up all holiday’s spent with my family, in lieu of working every major holiday known to man.  Will work 90 hours plus a week.

Mother who is not cut out to be a stay at home mom.  

Currently someone who cries at the drop of a hat. (Cancer is a mother fucker.)

Amateur blogger.

Snarky, ranty, smarty pants.

Sometimes crazy, especially when I am not medicated.

References available upon request.

Let me know if you have any job openings, all these skills I have must be put to good use.

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4 Comments on “Resume”

  1. Holly says:

    Mention that you speak fluent Sarcasm. I’m pretty sure that’s what got me hired to this job.

  2. Jen says:

    Snarky ranty smarty pants would actually get you an interview with me, but I might be an odd duck.

  3. libbylogic says:

    You forget to mention you excel at Twitter.

    And really, about the chairs?

    • Kelly says:

      Yes. The chairs in any lobby waiting room are all kinds of levels of disgusting. They do not get cleaned unless there are visible stains. They have all kinds of dirty asses that sit in them.

      Gross.


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