I have been MIA, for this I am sorry. I don’t know that I have any really good reason for being missing, but I just haven’t come here. Or to any of your blogs either, which I am even more sorry.
It started out simply enough, in that I was trying to make sure to spend time off of my phone and my computer when I was home with my husband and Mea. I did a great job of staying off my computer, I had to dust it off, and update a million things before I could even sign on to start this post, I still feel like I am on my phone too much, but it is a work in process.
I really discovered that the majority of my blogging time was done when I was at work. Whether it was reading blogs, or writing my blog posts, I did much of it while I was at work. Which does not really make for a very productive employee. Regardless, I do miss this place, I do miss your places, and I miss my friends in my computer.
So I am going to try to find a happy balance between everything so that I can get caught up, and still stay in touch with all of you.
On to the bloggling…
- We drove to Ohio to visit Mack and her boyfriend. It was a great visit, and could have only been made better, if I could have spent a few more days with them. It was one hell of a car ride, thirteen hours in the car is too much to do in one day.
- My Mom is doing very well. Her doctors are very impressed with her health, and she continues to amaze everyone. Last round of labs, and CT scan came back great, and the tumor on her chest wall may actually be getting smaller. Her hip is healed, she is off the walker, and only uses a cane when she remembers to use it.
- Mea has been doing great in school with one exception. She has a new friend that is causing some issues in the class room. I had already had some concerns, as we have had a few phone problems, where this girl has called our house well after Mea has gone to bed, or even once at 11:50 at night on the weekend.
- On more than a few of these phone call interactions I have had with this girl, I have told her not to call our house after 7:30, and I tell her that she needs to get her homework done and get to bed on time too.
- I have also heard from Mea that she has been absent from school because her parents didn’t want to get up, or they overslept, or the parents didn’t feel good.
- After much discussion, my husband and I decided to switch her to the school that is our actual school for our neighborhood.
- There are a couple of reasons, first the school she is attending is considered an “at-risk” school. Which means that the school has not done well in standardized testing, and the students are not learning at the same rate as the other schools. I have not been concerned with Mea’s education. We work with he at home, she likes to learn, and has been at the top of her class for both reading and math.
- She was only going to this school because it was the only school that our old sitter could take/pick up from, so now that she is no longer watching Mea, it seems stupid to have her go to this school that I really don’t like anyway.
- She will be attending a grade school where all of the kids in the school will end up in the same middle school. I worried with her going to the old school that she would have fewer friends going into middle school, and although I know she can make friends, it is easier if you know more people when you get there.
- Does make me wonder if she will do even better in a new learning environment.
- We were lucky enough to find a new daycare provider, and we are all extremely excited about it. Mea is going to go to daycare with her baby nephew, at her sister’s best friend’s house. She is my youngest stepdaughter’s best friend, and she is wonderful. Mea can’t wait. Quite frankly, neither can I.
- I really don’t like my job. I am over-qualified for it, my manager is a bit of a spoiled brat, and can’t manage her way out of anything. I have been able to get her to set me up with some job shadows so I can have an idea as to where I want to transfer to when my year with them is up. July 8, cannot come soon enough.
I think that is it for now, I am going to really try to get back here. I have missed it, and I have missed all of you.
I am turning into not a very nice person. The last year, has had an unfortunate effect of making me a bitter, crabby, bitchy person. This is probably not really all that true, but I just don’t know how much more I can take.
Mea has said to me, too many times to count, that I am always making a frowny face. Which is not good for my overall mood, not to mention that I am going to end up with permanent frown lines, and need Botox or something.
Let’s do a recap of 2013 so far…
My Mom diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.
Fired from job of 10 years.
Unemployment for four and a half months.
More than one friend or friend’s spouse diagnosed with cancer.
One job offer, at a significant cut in pay.
Big daughter moves to Ohio.
House is broken into.
Small daughter’s babysitter quits with no notice right before Thanksgiving.
Big daughter calls crying as her work will not let her have any time off for Christmas, and she cannot come home.
This last one is just the icing on the cake.
Mack can’t afford to just quit her job, it took her 2 months to even find this crappy job she doesn’t really like, she had talked about just quitting and coming home, but this just isn’t really a reasonable thing to do. My Mom is just devastated. My heart hurts, I cried at work this morning. Blubbered all over one of my co-workers.
I cannot even begin to tell you what this is going to do to Mea. She is going to be crushed. She has said multiple times that she only wants Mack home for Christmas. Now, she’s not fooling me completely, she still wants a guitar (she’s getting that) a computer (not so much) a I-Pod Touch (nope) and a Nerf bow and arrow (yes!), but I cannot provide the one thing that she has asked for over and over again. It is at the top of each Christmas list. I have even heard her whispering it to Sparkle Heart….
“I want my MackamooSissy home for Christmas….”
This breaks my heart, not just for Mea, but for me too. I miss Mack like crazy. I have been good, I haven’t complained about her not being here, I was sad when she wasn’t here for Thanksgiving, and I had to suck it up a few times. I can only begin to imagine what Christmas without her is going to be like.
Every year, for as long as she has been alive, and old enough to actually “help” Nana decorate their house for Christmas, she has been the main “elf” doing all of the decorating. She told my Mom before she left for Ohio, that she understood that decorating couldn’t wait, but to please save the nativity for her to put out.
My Mom made the nativity scene with her ceramics ladies. Sanded, painted, and fired each piece herself. The nativity has always been Mack’s last duty in the decorating. Mom was saving it for her.
My Mom sent me a text that she can’t put it out. She had my Dad put the box back in storage.
We are going to pull everything together, get it wrapped so that I can get it shipped out in time for Mack and her boyfriend to have gifts to open. Some of her stuff isn’t here yet, so I guess she may end up getting some of her presents in installments. She has been making many of her gifts for the kids and grown-ups, so they are not all finished either. I told her I would help her with the shipping when she was ready and able.
We have been planning on going out to visit over Spring Break, and to be honest, March 14th cannot come soon enough for me. I need to see my girl. I need to be able to touch her and give her a hug. Skype is wonderful, but it’s not exactly the same thing as giving your big girl a snuggle.
I am over this year.
It has been awful, and I just don’t know how much more I can take.
I’m tired of whining.
I’m tired of not being my normal snarky, somewhat happy self.
I first noticed her a little over ten years ago. She would come into my office, dragging two large heavy plastic reusable grocery bags, from a discount grocery store. They were packed to the limit.
Where I worked, it was common for us to serve clients who were quite well off, and also serve clients who could barely rub two nickels together. I could never quite figure out The Bag Lady’s circumstances. She looked clean, she looked kept, but she had those bags, and seemingly, nowhere to go.
I saw her everywhere.
On every single side of town.
She rode the bus, so I did see her frequently while I was at work. At least several times per week.
Always with those two stuffed bags.
She was older, definitely should have been retired. Frail enough that watching her carry those bags always concerned me, they looked so heavy.
I often wondered what she had in there. I would find myself thinking about it at odd times. If she were homeless, she might have all of her earthly possessions in those bags. What if someone stole them from her? What if she lost one? What if one of them ripped and she started losing things?
She went missing for a while. I didn’t see her. This was over winter, so then I really began wondering if she was one of the homeless as so many of them head south for winter.
Then when the weather started warming up I began to see her again.
Back with her bags.
Only this time they had multiplied.
The first time I saw her she had four bags.
Then at least six.
Then she was walking around with at least ten or more of these bags filled to the brim, so heavy she could barely carry them herself. She would walk two to four bags about twenty feet or so, then go back and get more bags, over and over and over again.
I couldn’t imagine how long it was taking her to get to wherever it was that she needed to be while carrying all of those bags.
Then one day, I realized she was gone. I hadn’t seen her for months. More than a few seasons had passed.
She was gone.
So were her bags.
I am still here. I will be back in this place. I have been dragging around a bunch of baggage. My brain has been so heavy it’s been hard to put all of my stuff away, and walk away without any of my bags, but please know this…..
I miss you. I miss this space and the cheap therapy it gives me. I miss making people laugh, I miss reading your stories.
I don’t know what happened to the bag lady. I hope that some family member intervened and either got her some mental help that she may have needed, or helped her into an assisted living facility of some sort who could also help her.
So much stuff taking up space in my brain.
In no particular order…
- Mack is all moved away to Ohio.
- When I think about it, it makes me so sad.
- I try not to think about it.
- But then I feel guilty for not thinking about her.
- So then I text or call for no reason, and it sort of makes me feel better, but also sad.
- I really, really hate her being so far away.
- When we had our family/friends BBQ, it was the first time I had met his Mom.
- She came up to me and hugged me and told me it would be “okay with her” if I came over the morning they left to say goodbye.
- Needless to say, it rubbed me the wrong way.
- Mea and I Skyped with Mack on Thursday night.
- It was pretty nice to be able to see her actual face, and to “see” her apartment.
- I feel like I have been a pretty shitty friend and blogger lately.
- I just can’t keep up with everything.
- I feel like I have so many plates spinning.
- If you feel neglected, I am sorry.
- I suck, I know I do right now if that is any consolation.
- My parents have been running around like maniacs since Thursday.
- Their car club is hosting a national convention.
- My Mom has been overdoing it.
- She says she hasn’t been, but I know her better than that.
- It is times like this that make me angry and sad.
- She should be able to run around like the maniac that she is, without feeling exhausted, and without worrying about how her body will fail her the following days for overdoing things.
- I am brewing some serious hostility and anger here.
- It ebbs and flows.
- Right now, I am just pissed at all the things.
- I wish I weren’t, but I just need to ride it out until my happy comes back.
- Things are going okay at my job.
- There are parts of it that I really enjoy.
- I had two customers last week who I was really able to help.
- Like make a significant difference in their lives, help.
- I haven’t helped someone in this way in years.
- However, last week my company laid of 2400 people, about 240 in our city.
- Being the “new guy” kind of sucks when things like this happen.
- Hoping that this kind of layoff stays far away from my department.
- My husband has a job offer on the table right now, that is insanely good.
- He has to pass a physical this coming Friday in order to get the job.
- I am more than a little concerned about this, but I am hoping for the best.
- If he were to get this job, I wouldn’t have to worry about possible layoffs from my company.
- Hoping for the best.
I think this is it for now. Really hoping that my happy comes back in full force very soon. I hate being grumpy, mad and sad. So not my normal.
I am three days into the new job.
So far, I think it is going to be okay. I am liking the people on the team, and not only have been learning new things about the job that I am going to be doing, once I am actually trained to do it, but I have actually been able to share some of my own knowledge with other members on our team.
There are a few things that are going to take a little getting used to.
I have never worked in an actual “office” type setting before. I have always worked in some sort of retail establishment. Bricks and mortar is what we always said. For the last ten years I have had an office with a door. I now have a cubical. I have an ID card that I have to scan to get in everywhere I have to go.
I have one key to my desk vs. having a janitor’s ring with keys to all the things on it.
Waiting for elevators is weird. Elevator etiquette is strange.
The hours of 9 to 6 might kill me. I wake up at five every single day. I have for years. My internal clock just says it’s time to be up.
Six doesn’t seem late, but it is. We haven’t had dinner before seven once this week. I am going to have to bust out the crock-pot, especially once school starts.
The last six years, I have had my own bathroom. Women’s restrooms are gross even in an office type setting. Flush the GD toilet, at least make sure that the toilet did actually flush. Throw your used paper towels in the trash can. If you miss, pick up after yourself.
It’s weird not being the boss.
It’s weird being new.
I have forgotten that I can be a major introvert when I don’t know what I am doing, or when I am around new people.
I hate not knowing ALL. THE. THINGS. (It will come, I know. I am just not overly patient.)
My ass hurts from sitting all day.
My chair sucks. (I will say something about this eventually, because I think it will break my back. And butt.)
I miss my random computer time, blogging, and my friends who live in my phone.
I do miss my Mea Mea something terrible, she has been horribly sad and clingy before and after work. She cried yesterday when I took her to daycare.
I missed working downtown.
I missed the many block walk to and from the parking lot. You can get yourself focused for the day, and prepared for the days events. It’s also a good time to clear your head after a long day. (I did remind myself this morning about how I need to watch my step, and that walking can be hazardous to my own health. The last time that I worked downtown, I fell at least four times, just walking to and from the parking lot. Grace, thy name is Kelly.)
It’s kind of nice to not be the boss.
I am seeing people I know, at the new job and from my old job. I am talking to grown-ups. This is nice.
I am missing the people watching that comes from being where the people are.
I think this job will challenge me for a while, and give me many opportunities once I get to the point where I may need a change of pace. It is fast paced, and seems like there is always something to do.
I think this is about it for now. I am happy to be working, but I miss all of my friends who live in my computer.
I am starting to lose my mind.
Each time I am turned down for a job, it is almost as if I am reliving getting fired all over again.
I know that I shouldn’t feel like this, but I am really starting to. It hurts. The standard form email saying thanks, but no thanks, if I am lucky enough to even get that. Some of the jobs that I have applied for I have merely checked back to the company website, and have seen that I was rejected, usually without so much as an interview.
The way things work now, just sucks for the most part. So impersonal. So distant.
It’s depressing as all get out.
Today, after getting that email, I just cried.
I know that it’s not the end of the world, I know that I will find something, but I am starting to feel a bit defeated.
I am also feeling a bit desperate.
It’s not getting to a bad place financially. We are still fine.
I am bored to death.
I just don’t even know what to do with myself.
I am not cut out to be at home.
I suck at housework. I hate it.
But, being home all day, I feel like I have to do ALL. THE. THINGS.
If I don’t do all the things, then I feel guilty for the house being messy, or the dishes not being done, or the laundry not being put away.
I hate doing all the things.
There are ideas in my head for things to do in the mean time. Jen gave me an excellent one yesterday. I am also really thinking about going back to school. I need to look into it more, and talk to my husband about how it will work, but it is one of the things that has been on my short list that I have been stewing over for the last few weeks. I have also been toying with trying to write some things for money. Not quite sure how that will all work, but I’ll keep you posted.
It has been ten long weeks. The first couple passed in a blur of depression and shock, but now I am just pissed and bored.
I have read about three books a week.
I have played stupid games on my phone.
I need some ideas for new things to do. Most all will be considered.
Another interview tomorrow. Attempting to get into a positive view-point and mood starting now. Going into an interview depressed equals a bad, bad idea.
* Updated to add…
I was about to hit publish, when my Mom called me. She made me feel better, although I am crying again. (Stupid angry tears.) I was venting about how bored I am, and how frustrating it all is, and she reminded me that she feels the same exact way. Really put some perspective on my situation.
(Speaking of my Mom, she got the results from her CT scan today, and she is showing improved again, from the last time even. This is amazing news. One more big treatment in three weeks, and then she will just have weekly maintenance chemo forever.)
I spent much of the week going from store to store attempting to find the perfect Mother’s Day card. I could not find one that said what I needed it to say, so I thought I would write you a letter in addition to the card I did end up buying.
I would not be the woman I am today without having you here to guide me. You have taught me when to be strong, when to let go, when to stand up for myself, to be independent and to think for myself, and how to be an amazing mother to my own daughters.
We have been through so much, and I am sure that I have tested you in ways you never could have imagined that I would have done. For some of these tests I put you through I am truly sorry, but some of those tests brought us closer together, and created amazingly beautiful things,
You are the matriarch of the family. You are the glue that holds us together. You still settle arguments between sisters, make us kiss and make up, when we might otherwise stew and pout at each other for long lengths of time.
You are the keeper of records, and the one who journals all of our lives events. You are the memory keeper.
You are an amazing Nana, and there are four very lucky girls who are proud to call you their Nana.
You are the woman I aspire to be.
You are the wife, friend and mother that I compare myself to.
You have the strength of ten thousand people, and have the courage of a million others.
I am proud to call you my Mom, and my best friend.
The doctors and nurses called it when they said you are Super Woman, because you really are, in more ways than they could ever know.
I would say that I love you more than you could ever know, but I believe that you do know how much I love you, because you love me exactly the same way.
I hope that you have a wonderful Mother’s Day, and just want you to know just how much I love you.
To the Moon and Back,