The day that our social worker called us and told us that Mea would be coming home to us, I dropped by Mack’s old sitter Lois’ house to see if she would take Mea in her daycare once she was home.
At that time, Lois had quit taking babies. Two to three years old was the youngest she would take them.
She said she couldn’t promise anything but she would try it. She was concerned, she kind of didn’t think it would work with a “little” baby and the rest of her big kids. She said that if it didn’t work out she would let me know, and give me time to find someone else to watch her.
After the first week, they were two peas in a pod. Lois loved Mea, and Mea loved Lolo. It was an instant bond. Unfortunately, I didn’t have much time saved up to take when she came home, and my Aunt was sick, so I had lots of “being away for work” guilt, so Mea started with Lois the second week she was home.
Lolo and her husband have been like a second set of grandparents to both of my kids. First Mack, and now Mea, they are forever bonded to this couple.
On November 20, Lois pulled me aside and said that she needed the week of Thanksgiving off. She told me that her husband had cancer, but they didn’t know where or how bad yet. The week of Thanksgiving was when they were doing the majority of the testing. The evening before Thanksgiving, I had a call from one of the other mother’s to tell me that Lois was done. Her husband was pretty bad, and she couldn’t do daycare anymore starting immediately.
I was a little hurt that she didn’t call me herself. (This is a post for a different day. We have visited and called since and it is yet another heartbreaking story to go down for 2013.)
In addition to her being Mea’s babysitter, she is my friend. I have cried all over her and her husband so many times over the years it is ridiculous. I gave them a little space, knowing just how much they were going through at that time, I just left them be for a few days.
Then the search was on.
No one can replace a Lolo, but I was determined to try.
Mea was adamant from the beginning that she did not want to go to Metrokids, the school’s before and after care program. I didn’t know why at the time she didn’t want to go, but she was so upset whenever I even mentioned it, I was going to try hard to find somewhere else.
I called all the centers all around us, and none of them had an opening for Mea’s school. It is a big school. One of the largest elementary schools in our city. Not one of them had room on their bus for before and after, or after school only.
I posted a few things on Facebook, looking for opinions or suggestions of friends.
I looked online.
We found a website for state approved daycare providers within our area, and called a few that were close. I set up appointments to go over to these homes, and interview the babysitters.
At the first house, it was clean. The girl seemed nice enough, a little young, but nice. Then she told me that she forgot that her own child had early out from school that day. She goes to a private Catholic school, that only does early outs every now and then instead of every week like Mea’s school.
But, you guys, she FORGOT HER OWN CHILD!!!!
While we were there someone from her child’s school brought her daughter home and another daycare child!
As I am talking to her she tells me that she picks up from another school that gets out at the same time as Mea, but what she will do is pick up from the other school first, and Mea could cross the street with the crossing guard and wait on a street opposite from the school until she gets there. It should only take her ten minutes.
ONLY TEN MINUTES????!!! My kid is not standing in the cold, on a street corner, away from her school while she waits for you to get there.
The next house. This house was across the street from the school. It looked okay from the street.
It looked less okay up close and personal.
It was awful. Mea goes tearing off playing with the kids. The babysitter asks me if I want to see the rest of the house, I agreed only because I don’t know if I knew what to say. It was filthy. If you knew someone was going to be coming to your house, wouldn’t you run the vacuum? Wipe down the counters in your kitchen?
But then again, from the looks of things, this probably was “clean” to them. She asked me if I wanted to sit down in the living room and I declined because the couch was so filthy I was afraid to sit on it. There were no legs on the couch or love seat. There were visible stains on both couches, that were almost “crunchy” looking.
Of course, Mea saw nothing wrong with this place. At all. She was so mad when I said that she was absolutely not going to go to either of these places. After the last one, I quit calling any in-home daycare providers.
We basically had no choice. It had been two weeks, I needed someplace for her to go. I told her that she had to go to Metrokids at the school, and if she hated it, I would do my best to find somewhere else.
The night before the first day, we had read some of her latest chapter book and were snuggling in bed. She says in her whining tiny little voice that she does not want to go to Metro. I asked her what was bothering her so bad about it.
She said, “Metro is in the cafeteria, and during lunch we have to sit and be quiet and not talk, or they turn the lights out. I don’t want to sit in the dark from after school until you get there Momma.”
Oh, my heart.
“Mea, just because Metro is in the cafeteria doesn’t mean that it is just like when you are in the cafeteria for lunch. At Metro they play games, they play with some toys and do crafts. They play outside when it is nice enough outside, and it’s supposed to be fun.”
She was still terribly nervous. I promised her we would go early and I would stay with her for a little while so that she could meet some friends. The lady who met us at the door was a little gruff, but nice enough, the other ladies inside were sweet and talked to Mea about some things. She saw a friend playing “restaurant” with some other little girls, so I took her over to say hello. They immediately asked her if she wanted to be a “worker or a customer” and brought her into their game. I stood back for a little while and watched.
I walked over to her after a few minutes and asked if it was okay for me to leave. She nodded her head and kissed me goodbye.
When I picked her up after I got off from work, she asked me why I came to get her so early.
Today, my Mom took me to buy a new outfit to wear on my first day of work at my new job next week.
Small things like this, are things that she has always done for all of us. New job, promotion, transfer, some sweet gift, surprise, or other kind of gesture.
She offered to buy me a new suit to wear to interviews when I lost my job. My first interview happened before we had a chance to go shopping. I told her I would take a rain check, and get something new later.
Today was the day.
Gone are the power shopping trips. Epic laps around the mall finding just the right thing.
Today, we parked in the closest handicap spot.
We got a stroller/cart at Kohl’s so she could have something to hold onto to keep her steady. It reminded me of my Nana, who had to get a cart if we were running into the store for a carton of milk.
I try not to think of her being sick. I don’t want her to be.
It is what it is, and some days it just hits you.
On days like today, my smallest daughter spending the afternoon and evening with her Nana and Papa, it hit me as I hung my new pants in the closet that there may not be all that many more days like today.
Even as she fights through this disease, it has a strong hold on our family. As much as she doesn’t want it to control her, and her life, it feels like it is slowly taking over.
Last night Mack and her boyfriend came over for dinner, and somehow we got on to the subject of our neighbor who passed away last year. Mea asks, “What made Judy die?”
I know that it wasn’t the right thing to do, but at that moment, I had to leave the room. Every part of me wanted to scream and cry.
Judy died of lung cancer too.
I could overhear Mack just say simply, “Judy was sick.”
Mea accepted that answer, and went on showing off for her sister.
Sometime soon, she is not going to accept that as an answer.
I don’t expect her to, and I know that here soon, I most likely need to actually talk to her about her Nana. I am still at a loss for words when it comes to this. Sometimes I cannot even process my own emotions, much less those of a seven-year-old.
So where days like today are a reminder of what has always been, it was also a reminder of what is to come. Tonight, I cry a little. Mourn what was, and how things should be, and am grateful for the moments that we still have together.
Just going to get right into it. Here we go.
- I accepted a job offer on Wednesday morning.
- There is a lot of room for advancement, however it may be a pretty significant cut in pay.
- If the monthly bonuses pan out the way the managers said they would, but not for four months, it could be about the same as what I was making.
- They also mentioned that people move up quickly in this department.
- During my second interview, the Senior Manager asked me many questions about my management style.
- I had a first and second interview this week for a job doing basically the same thing that I was doing before.
- This one should pay the same, if not more, than what I was making at the old place.
- The hiring manager is making a decision today.
- I am on pins and needles, and I don’t really know what I would do if I were offered this second job.
- Hard to decide if the cut in pay would be worth it in the long run, or if I should just go on and do what I have always been doing.
- The other thing with the potential job, is that I would be co-workers again with someone who I not only do not like, but cannot stand.
- She is a liar.
- When she was my boss for six months, ten years ago, and she was/is a total nut job.
- The saving grace is that she would not be my boss. I know how to deal with her. I know not to trust her with any information, or believe a single thing she says.
- She is that bad.
- I found out about the job because my Uncle is one of her clients.
- I applied and interviewed without mentioning her name at all.
- She is the type that if I had, she would say that she got me the job, and hold it over my head.
- I would rather do this on my own merit.
- I feel like this is going to be a hard decision.
- I am not a patient person.
- It has taken over a month for the first company to interview me twice and make me an actual offer.
- Second company said they would call today, and I want them to call right this minute.
- I have been staring at my phone since I woke up at 5:30.
- I cannot will it to ring.
- This pisses me off.
- Either way, I am happy to get back to work, and to get out of this house.
- Now, I can do a few things with some of our savings that I have been hoarding.
- Like buy a new sofa. (Ours is shot.)
- Because of new sofa, we also need to buy a new kitchen table that is more user-friendly.
- No more eating in the living room.
- As a “Yay, you finally got a job” present to myself, I bought myself a new Coach tote (for my planner, water and lunch) and a Coach ID badge holder.
- I have thought about changing to an iPhone just so that I can have a Coach phone case.
- I won’t because I like my phone, but it is a bit tempting.
- I am a dork.
- I really didn’t spend too much.
- Coach Factory is just way too tempting.
- My obsession with shoes has turned into a handbag obsession.
- Mea has a sleepover tonight, and we are going out for a nice dinner to celebrate my employment.
- It has been a long fourteen weeks.
- I am so glad that it is over.
That’s it kids. I’ll let you know when I hear about potential job number two.
I am starting to lose my mind.
Each time I am turned down for a job, it is almost as if I am reliving getting fired all over again.
I know that I shouldn’t feel like this, but I am really starting to. It hurts. The standard form email saying thanks, but no thanks, if I am lucky enough to even get that. Some of the jobs that I have applied for I have merely checked back to the company website, and have seen that I was rejected, usually without so much as an interview.
The way things work now, just sucks for the most part. So impersonal. So distant.
It’s depressing as all get out.
Today, after getting that email, I just cried.
I know that it’s not the end of the world, I know that I will find something, but I am starting to feel a bit defeated.
I am also feeling a bit desperate.
It’s not getting to a bad place financially. We are still fine.
I am bored to death.
I just don’t even know what to do with myself.
I am not cut out to be at home.
I suck at housework. I hate it.
But, being home all day, I feel like I have to do ALL. THE. THINGS.
If I don’t do all the things, then I feel guilty for the house being messy, or the dishes not being done, or the laundry not being put away.
I hate doing all the things.
There are ideas in my head for things to do in the mean time. Jen gave me an excellent one yesterday. I am also really thinking about going back to school. I need to look into it more, and talk to my husband about how it will work, but it is one of the things that has been on my short list that I have been stewing over for the last few weeks. I have also been toying with trying to write some things for money. Not quite sure how that will all work, but I’ll keep you posted.
It has been ten long weeks. The first couple passed in a blur of depression and shock, but now I am just pissed and bored.
I have read about three books a week.
I have played stupid games on my phone.
I need some ideas for new things to do. Most all will be considered.
Another interview tomorrow. Attempting to get into a positive view-point and mood starting now. Going into an interview depressed equals a bad, bad idea.
* Updated to add…
I was about to hit publish, when my Mom called me. She made me feel better, although I am crying again. (Stupid angry tears.) I was venting about how bored I am, and how frustrating it all is, and she reminded me that she feels the same exact way. Really put some perspective on my situation.
(Speaking of my Mom, she got the results from her CT scan today, and she is showing improved again, from the last time even. This is amazing news. One more big treatment in three weeks, and then she will just have weekly maintenance chemo forever.)
In no particular order, crap in my brain.
- I had two interviews yesterday, an actual interview and a phone pre-interview that has led to an in person interview on Thursday.
- Both jobs are making decisions next week.
- Both have good points, and bad.
- We shall see what next week brings.
- Mack and her boyfriend are traveling to visit the grad school this weekend. He will see what the school and program are about. Hopefully, they will find a place to live, and she can try to look for places to start applying to work.
- We still haven’t told Mea about the move yet.
- I want to, almost did the other day, but my husband hushed me the other day when I started to tell her.
- It sort of made me want to punch him.
- She needs to know.
- I may tell her today.
- I have asked Mack to come clean out her old bedroom. Box stuff up she wants to keep, and throw the rest of it away. I am happy to store it for her, but it would be nice to have that room to use.
- It’s been three years.
- It can’t sit in limbo for three more years while they are off in Ohio.
- I thought she’d be upset, but she was fine with it.
- I told her that I was going to move some of Mea’s toys down there, and now she want to paint a mural in there for her.
- Mea will love this so much!
- I am still at odds with my sister.
- Last week, I asked her if she could take Mea for a night.
- She couldn’t, the girls were staying the night with friends, and they were going out with friends.
- I understood, to a point.
- I am slightly annoyed that she never asks for her niece, or if she does it is for an overnight on a Wednesday or a Thursday, which really is of no use to us.
- She told me to ask my Mom to take her.
- My parents had my nieces the next night, they had been out-of-town for the previous few days, and I felt it would be too much to ask.
- Mom tires easily.
- The kids are exhausting.
- Two nights in a row would be too much.
- My sister told our Mom (after the fact) that I had needed a sitter and wouldn’t ask her.
- My Mom then “yelled” at me for not asking her to take Mea.
- My sister is a big blabber mouth.
- But I guess we already knew that, right?
- My Mom had a CT scan yesterday.
- Results back tomorrow.
- Dr. Chemo told her the other day, that another patient he has currently in the same trial as my Mom is going into his fourth year on the program.
- This is really encouraging.
- Next week, Mea is being moved up to the advanced class in gymnastics.
- She is soooooo excited.
- We bought her a practice mat for her birthday.
- My parents bought her a practice beam.
- At least now when she is flipping around the house she won’t be landing only on our hardwood floors.
- Cushion is good.
This is it. Don’t forget about the Joseph Nogucci giveaway!
Several weeks ago, I stumbled upon a Living Social deal to Joseph Nogucci. It was for a leather, hand-woven wrap bracelet. I knew that Mack had been coveting several on Etsy, and decided that it would be a good fun gift to surprise her with.
She loves it. So pretty.
Then I was hooked. They have awesome deals, often offer giveaways on Facebook, and Instagram just for following them. I have cashed in on two of the free offers, and bought a bracelet for myself while I was at it too.
After following them on Instagram, I found out that they would allow bloggers and Instagrammers to host giveaways if you did a review for them! All in!
In the mail on Sunday, I received three new bracelets for review. They are awesome. I wore some in a stack yesterday, and wore one with my sterling bangle that I never take off to a job interview today. So versatile, and can be dressed up or down.
The bracelet on the left is the one that I purchased. Three to the right are the samples. One lucky reader can win one of the three to the right! All you have to do is follow Joseph Nogucci on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. Leave me a message that you did so, with your Instagram or Twitter handle.
Winner will be drawn at random next Monday, May 27, 2013. Comment to win!
I am serious.
What is about to be spewed from my fingers via my head is a big bunch of ranty, venty, horribleness.
I want to fire myself from my current position.
Today, really equals Kelly wanting to just run away from home.
My husband is in full baseball mode, which means he is not home. Ever.
Mea is tired of me.
I am tired of me.
I am just tired.
Mad props to the real stay at home moms, because I cannot do this. I am not cut out for it. I am bored senseless. I have cleaned, reorganized, laundered until I am bored with it.
I am starting to hate my house.
Just the sight of it, makes me want to run away.
Trying to be lighthearted about Mea not listening to me on Facebook, equaled two people calling me to see if I was okay. All that I said was that my “Mom look” must be broken. It is a good thing that I didn’t say what I really wanted to say on FB. One of the calls was to see if I wanted to come to a free parenting class. Are you fucking kidding me?
SCREAMING IN MY HEAD
I am tempted to run out the door when my husband comes home today, but I don’t know if that will “fix” anything, and I don’t really have anywhere to go, or money to spend when I would get there, or anything else. Not to mention that gas is eleventy billion dollars a gallon.
If I did leave, the way I am feeling at the moment, I might not come back.
Two interviews tomorrow.
Say a prayer for me.
I need a job, so I can leave this house, and have conversations beyond the latest episode of Good Luck Charlie, which One Direction boy is cutest (Mea says Niall is) what is going to be on Kelly and Michael tomorrow, etc.
I am about to lose my fucking marbles.